Thanksgiving

We all played a game of Cranium after dinner. It was the kids against Dean and I. We all had a good time. We laughed hard.

Kelly and Evan taking a nap after eating dinner. We tuckered him out. It was his first turkey and thus the nap. ha, ha.

Mr. Evan Joseph eating his first taste of turkey. His daddy blended some turkey up with some water in the food processor and let him have some. He actually liked it.

Evan was laughing so hard. He was looking at Grandpa across the table and he just kept giggling. It was so sweet to hear him laugh that hard.

He finally learned how to jump in the bouncer. He loves it.

We had a good Thanksgiving with so much to be Thankful for. We've seen the birth of two beautiful baby boys this year. Adam had an injury free football season. Dean still has a job. My mother is still with us after being in the hospital a lot this year. We have a wonderful small group family that we love to fellowship and learn more about our Lord and Savior. Dean and I have been married for 26 years. We have 3 beautiful children, a son-in-law, and a daughter-in-law and 4 beautiful grandchildren who we adore. We have a church that we love being part of and serving with. We both have fairly good health. I have my health issues. : ) We missed having Ashley and her family with us. But we know God is holding onto us and He will see us through this valley.

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

At times we will walk through difficult places that we would never have chosen for ourselves, but we will never be alone. And that is quite a promise. There will be firey places, but because of God's great love, I will not be consumed. I'm holding onto that promise that when my feet are wet and the smell of smoke is in my hair, I'm going to hold on to Christ because I know He's holding onto me.

4 weeks and still quiet

As we approach the fourth week of my exile from my only daughter and grandchildren I can only say that God is my anchor. I have spent the majority of the last 4 weeks crying. I hold it together for Dean and my mom, but when I'm alone I cry, no let me clarify that, I sob. I hurt and I cry out to God to take this horrible emptiness away. I thank him for loving me like no other. I've been angry and I've been dismayed that somehow I'm to blame in this standoff. God tells us to honor our father and mother. I was trying to do just that when I came home from my vacation. I'm still dismayed that my children would leave their grandmother who has been in the hospital twice this year alone without checking on her after promising me they would. But at this point all I can say is 7 years ago we lost our son Christopher. That pain and heartache is something I can't explain. I still have Chris moments where I will break down and cry. But I knew at that time it was forever. He was gone and I would never hold him or see him again. This pain I'm experiencing is much the same. I hurt just like when you lose a loved one. The only difference is that person is still alive. It's not permanant. I'm glad she will talk to Dean and my mother. But at this point she has said things and done things that are so damaging I don't know how I'll recover. I do know I love her with all my heart and I pray for her continously. I've sent texts, I've called her, I've sent an e-mail it's all I can do. I get nothing in return. My heart is broken, it's heavy with pain. Hebrews 2:9 and 18 we learn that Jesus "suffered death, so that by the grace of God He might taste death for everyone." Jesus took my hell so that I could go to His heaven. he did this so that His death would destroy him who holds the power of death-that is the devil and free those who all their lives were held captive in slavery by their fear of death. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. I know that ultimately I will lose whatever, or whoever, I've been hanging onto except for the love of Jesus Christ, poured out on that cross. It's not just a cross. It's the only anchor that will be there for me when there's nothing left to hold onto. I think I've been putting my hope in the love of my family and putting so much time and attention on them ( as a mom we do that) and I've been neglecting putting God first. This is my time to refocus my life to Christ. To put him in charge of fulfilling who I'm supposed to be as a woman of God. My fullfillment over the last 26 years has been being the best mom and wife I could be and I don't really know if I've put the time into becoming the best Christian I could be. So now's my time of living for Christ and honoring Him for the new life He gave me. I can't change Ashley. I can't make her love me. I can't make her love God. Does it hurt yes, but is that hurt going to be my focus? NO!!! God is.

Last Football Game of his Career

He's had his share of injuries over the years.

Freshman year at Earlham. Walking off the field with Chris Shaw.

Running the ball for Riverview. He's played numerous positions, but defense has his heart. As long as he can tackle the QB he's happy.

Always takes the time to talk to friends, family, faculty and staff at Earlham. They said he's always helpful, and courteous.

He's always had a 3 in any football jersey he's worn. Call us superstitious but it's his lucky number. : )

Adam making a tackle.

Senior night with his college friends. Adam, John Metcalf, Chris Shaw & Mike Liby

Adam and his dad at the Senior Day game Oct. 31, 2009

Mom and her boy/man. Senior day 2009

Wow!! That was a long time ago. We've been watching and listening to football games for the last 13 years with Adam and today was the last football game that Adam will play. He's played hard. We've had numerous injuries over the years from broken feet, broken ribs, fractured hands, surgery on fingers, injured shoulder, knee etc... but the kid loved to play and went out every week and played like his life depended on it. He's led all of his teams with his attitude and confidence. He's been a team leader for most of his football years. We've watched him get off the line to move another teammate where they needed to be because he didn't like where they were lined up. We've seen him argue with coaches and came out in the right after the coach went and looked at film. He stands on the sidelines and gets the crowd fired up, and he gets down on a knee to pray for injured players. I can't tell you what an honor it has been to watch our young son who we thought was too small to play go out and play with integrity and determination to be the best he could be. We thank all the coaches for the love and encouragement they've given Adam over these years. He's going out with over 90 tackles for the season and 10 sacks. Way to go J!!! Mom and Dad are very proud of you.

Tears

I don't know how many times I've cried in the last two weeks. I keep thinking about the situation, replaying it in my head. I wake up in the night thinking about Layton or Eden. I can't sleep, and I can't function. I know I'm in this depression and I'm trying to get by. I try to be cheery for everyone because I don't want my pain to show. My heart feels so full of sorrow I can't begin to explain it. I cry out to God to take it away. I ask him to help me understand why I'm going through this. I ask him to watch over Ashley and her children to protect them.

Then I go through utter dismay at what was done or not done. I've written Ashley but I've now been told that her e-mail has been changed. So I am not her friend on facebook, and she's changed her e-mail so I can't contact her. If something were to happen to Dean or I, or her brother I couldn't let her know.

I know I have to leave it at the foot of the cross and I know I have to trust that God is in control of the situation, but I have to tell you my heart is wounded deeply. Each day is a new trial of rejection.

Please keep praying for us. We hurt.

Windy Tucker put this on Facebook today:
"therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. "
And she is so correct when she said some days it's just a lot harder to get dressed.

One Week

It's been one week since my fight with Ashley. No news. Dean is sad. He's made picture postcards that he is sending to Eden. He said he's going to send her one a day so that she remembers that Papa Loves Pookie Pies. Our house is very quiet, even my mom's oxygen guy said so.

I had a rough week last week. It was tough trying to pull my emotions together. But I've been praying and reading my bible and relying on God to get me through this. We're all struggling with the quiet but know God will work it all out.

Keep praying for us. We love our Ashley and her family. We would love to have contact but we know she has to work through this in her own time and in her own heart.

We talked with Aaron on Wednesday night and things are better with him. It was nice to be able to hold Evan Joseph and see how big he's getting. What a "Sturdy" little guy. He weighs a ton. Not really, but it sure does feel like it when you hold him. He loves watching football with his daddy. But don't try to sneak Sports center in there. He only likes to watch the action.

Heart Broken

Eden's hat with papa's hat. There is no "Pookie Pie" to wear it.

Eden's artwork hanging above Grandpa's desk.

There is no princess swinging on that playset.

Layton's bouncer sits empty in our living room. He loves to jump and jump and did Imention jump?

And now Eden's toys being packed away out of the living room so that we don't have to look at them. It's too hard to see all of her things and know that we are being punished by our daughter and her husband. It's so frustrating when you ask someone to do something and you count on it happening. Then when you find out it hasn't been done it's horrible. I was angry and when I talked to Ashley I let her know how angry and disappointed I was. I said things I had no business saying and so did she. Things got out of control and we have lost our grandchildren. My pain is something I'm going to have to work through. And I pray Ashley will work through hers too, but for now I've been deleted from her and Aaron's life.

I think of everything I did to make my children's life comfortable for them. I made sure that I stayed home. I tried to be a good mom and I know I've had my failures. I've certainly tried to take full responsibility for those things. I quit my job at the library to help Ashley with her precious gifts from God and I've tried my best to love them and nurture them the same way I've loved my kids. I am sorry Ashley feels that I'm a bad role model for her babies. I've tried my best to be there to support and love her throughout her life and all the tough decisions she's made. I don't know what more I could have done for her babies. I watched them, loved them, bought them diapers and formula, clothes, I fed them and gave them baths. I did everything in my power to make sure they were loved and safe.

I will continue to love Ashley, Aaron and their famlies. I will continue to pray for them and I only wish the very best for all of them. Someday I hope they will forgive me. But for now my heart is broken and all I can do is lean on God to give me the strength to get through each moment. I'm sorry that I hurt Dean and my mom in the process. They are missing the kids more than anyone can imagine. I miss my kids and I wish they could have understood my hurt. But I understand Ashley's hurt and I'm sure my words cut her deeply. I can't take back the words, all I can do is seek forgiveness.

I'm praising God that He loves me even though I'm stupid and rash. Praying that in time this won't hurt as bad as it does right now.

It's hard to have your children hurt you and not care. It's hard to take that hurt on the chin and try and recover. God tells us that we must forgive 7 times 70. That's a lot of forgiving and a lot of healing to do.

The babies in better times.

October 30th, 2009- Dean, Evan and Layton.

Grandma wanted to be able to take her princess to Disney. We tuckered her out.

Eden's artwork that we did last week. It's a fall tree using her forearm and hand and her fingerprints as the leaves. She hated getting paint on her. She kept telling me to wash it off.

Eden and Grandma giving Layton a bath. His face is priceless.

Eden working on her work of art. See.... only one figer got dirty in the painting of this picture.